EPIC CRABCAKES!!! ARGH!

[fullygoldy]

OK, so I normally don't do the real life stuff in this journal.  Feel free to skip this one.  It's way TMI.

I am so crabby! I am having the worst menstrual cycle I've had in my life.  Last week I started up with the PMS and thought it was a bit early, then spent the entire weekend with cramps (when I normally just cramp the first day), but no flow until Monday.  So I had to go to work with cramps too.  And I can tell that the quality of this one is much different than normal, and last month's was sort of different, and it all has to do with the onset of menopause.  I'm probably only technically peri- but you know, it's the beginning of the change.

Seriously, I thought that with the onset of the hormonal crap and hot flashes (OMG the hot flashes), I'd at least get to skip a month once in awhile, but no.  Since I started this lovely adventure in womanhood late in my 12th year, I've skipped maybe twice that didn't have anything to do with pregnancy (so no relief from the hormonal shit then either).  My cycles get shorter no matter what I do - exercise and soy seem to have zero effect. So am I just gonna stop cold turkey one day?  This is so weird.

And the whole "sex gets better after 40" thing. Ha. I wouldn't know.  I didn't automatically become hornier or more orgasmic at 40, and now I'm on the approach to the next decade, having spent the last 5 years being grateful whenever my partner even seems interested. Due to his health issues that's not all that often.  And the past year, I've finally had that damn promised uptick in libido, and NO real outlet for it.  I'm not happy.  I'm crabby.  I'm convinced I'm never gonna have the kind of sex I want to have again in my lifetime.  Because I committed to my extremely monogamous partner that I wouldn't push his boundaries during his illness, and that's stretched into recovery, and you know he's gonna be in freaking recovery for the REST OF HIS LIFE!!! and then when he finally does go I'm gonna be so old that no one is going to even look twice at me, especially since I suspect I'll be doing the whole grieving thing for a good long time.  So there you go.  Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Thank you for playing.  It's a pretty bizarre feeling to think I'm under 50 and am going to be virtually celibate from here on out.  My grandma just passed at 94.  She was unpartnered for 30 yrs.  I'm not actually looking forward to that.  I can only hope that pretty soon I'm gonna lose interest. 
 
It's also much safer to post it here than my RL journal.