Introspection

[fullygoldy]

You know, I started this journal purely for entertainment.  I thought to use it as a pathway to finding interesting, entertaining and stimulating topics, hopefully all leaning toward the light and hilarious.  I’ve got a broad spectrum of friends though, and my flist reflects this.  I write about things happening in the moment, mostly of a light or humorous nature, although I don’t think my food posts are humorous.  Maybe endearing to some people; enthusiastic or passionate.  Perhaps it’s unusual to find food, the preparation and sharing of, intimate, but I’m unapologetically an acolyte of the food = love philosophy, so there you go.

Many of my flist frequently use their LJs for very introspective posts.  They share intimate details of their inner lives, they share their angst and their pain, and even though this is not “light entertainment” by any means, but I am always amazed and uplifted, even humbled by their ability to share to this extent in a public venue.  Many times, I am rendered speechless by their truth and vulnerability, sometimes I manage to comment coherently, and hopefully compassionately.  Even my own DH finds LJ to be an emotional outlet, a safe place to express his fear of the dark in a raw and honest way – no self-censorship in sight, ignoring any person tactless enough to try to edit him. 

But that’s not me.  Obviously, I’ve posted some deep stuff a few times in the past year+, but I just don’t feel comfortable letting it “all” hang out.  The odd thing is that if you meet me in person, you could ask me just about anything, and I’ll not only answer honestly, I’d likely make you wonder if I was ever going to shut up.  Yes, I overshare.  I always have.  I just don’t do it publicly/anonymously.  It’s got to be face to face.  Another interesting fact:  I require a certain amount (read “lots”) of emotional intimacy from my relationships. 

Sometimes I wonder about my lack of serious posts.  Who notices? Is anyone keeping tabs?  Do I come across as completely bubble-headed with my Stargate squee and recipes?  Heck, I don’t even post my few pathetic attempts at fanfic.  All of this is to say that I’m still ambivalent about changing the purpose of this venue to something deeper.  I’ve never been a prolific journaler, and this is probably my most successful, longest running attempt.  I thought earlier today I could type up some of my old journal entries, because I do still have the handwritten stuff.  I could throw them out there for comparison purposes.  That was then and this is now.  I had the obligatory angst-filled adolescence, I wrote my share of bad teen poetry.  It’s not like I don’t know how to express myself, I just haven’t yet come to believe that this medium is the way for *me* to do it.  And right now?  Sheesh, if I let it, my entire waking life would be consumed by what’s going on with DH.  It’s hard enough not to lose yourself into a relationship, but after 20 years, a totally individual identity is pretty damn rare.  Here in LJ, I don’t have to be one half of the couple unless I choose to be.  I really don’t have that option in real life.  I don’t socialize with anyone on my own, at least not regularly.  That’s normally OK for me, I like the company of my family, but it is cool to have a place where I’m just (sorta mostly unattached) me. 

Monday, I took the day off from the house project, I made that announcement publicly on pint_of_cheer.  I also posted about a nightmare I had on another friend’s LJ.  Our TV was plugged in for the first time in over a week, and I watched a DVD I’ve been looking forward to for awhile, Girl with a Pearl Earring, and was really pleased with the adaptation, having listened to the audio book earlier this year.  It was Studio 60 night, plus we had fancy frozen dinners, and I had a glass of wine (the first in probably 2 weeks).  It was maybe the 2^nd time I’ve had dinner with the kids at the house since DH went in the hospital. I also visited with the neighbors after all our kids were in bed, and they gave me a lovely cup of hot, fragrant tea.  If I’d had a jacket on, I’d have gone home a lot later than midnight.

It was my night to recoup and recover, but posting that personal little bit on LJ came back to bite me, as a well-meaning friend had to call me up as soon as he read my comment.  I surprised myself, and probably him, by actually saying, “you know what, I’m watching something I wanted to see right now” and going back to my quiet evening.  When I post to LJ, I’m inviting interaction in this forum.  It’s frustrating to have posts I’m invested in seemingly ignored, sitting there lonely with nary a comment to them, but weeks later, have someone say in RL, “oh, I read that on your LJ.”  More so when they still don’t want to discuss it, they just want to say they saw it.  If I’m not posting “OMG, someone call me up right now, I have to talk to someone” then I’m pretty good to wait for an online response.  And if I’m that desperate to talk to someone, (not an unusual occurrence) I have no problem picking up the phone and reaching out.  In fact, I do it at least once a week.  See above, re: face to face.  The telephone counts for me.  The sound of a friend’s voice on the phone is nearly as good as an in-person chat.  I’m not sitting here involuntarily isolated from the world.  I probably don’t get nearly the amount of isolation I could live with either, but that’s just a side-effect of being attached to an uber-extrovert – a fair and conscious trade I made from day 1.  Just, I’m not bored in my corner of the world.  I’m not isolated or seriously depressed.  I’m worried, and harried and trying to maintain my aura of coolness (snort, choke, cough) through all the gunk that was thrust upon us this year.  I’m thinking about trying to be more forthcoming in this medium, and so I may do some more introspective posts here, but this is where I come to escape, and it’s served that purpose well. 

You know what they say.  “If it ain’t broke….”

Comments

[nayad.livejournal.com]

the great thing about LJ is that it can be whatever you want it to be. i like reading whatever my friends want to write. sometimes i scratch my head about what people want to comment on and what they don't, but that's okay. i'm also kind of your opposite in the communication realm, because i'm more comfortable with writing my deeper thoughts for a small flist to read than i am with sharing face to face, but i don't mind reading light stuff or hearing deep stuff in person, so it all works out, imo. :)

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking I should add you to my frequently-dialed list ::g::

[nayad.livejournal.com]

yeah, anytime! :)

[aenodia.livejournal.com]

I figure it is your Live Journal and is whatever you want it to be. I enjoy reading your food posts along with whatever you write. I don't think it is a requirement that you be more forthcoming about anything.
I started my LJ to mainly write about our travels. Now that we are not traveling I feel like I have lost focus on my LJ. I am in a slump and don't feel like we are doing much that is interesting. I don't want to just write about what is weighing most on my mind as a litany of Dr. visits is boring. I guess these LJ's are a work in progress and like water will find its own level.

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the litany. I could always do the 'woe is me, look at what's happening now' posts, but I'm reminded daily, especially now that I'm spending so much time in hospital, that my corner of the world is very small, and my troubles could always be worse. So why dwell on them, ya know?

[oakwind.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the deeper look. I appreciate the sharing. It is nice to get to know someone better (although I also feel that is largely illusion when it happens in this kind of more public arena) that I have semi-known for many years.

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

I get that illusion too - I read several LJs of people I've never met face to face, but they've become part of my daily landscape. I guess I've been thinking that even a beautiful view gets boring over time, so why not show more of the total landscape?

[old-man-summer.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm one who does not introspect on my lj, as a general rule. I dislike even the title "livejournal," because it does suggest the activities of the diarist. The thing about lj is it's NOT a diary, it's a space to communicate with an audience. You get to decide what you want to express, and they get to decide how to take that (deafening silence is the modal -- and vexing -- response, as you've noticed).

Here's the difference I think about: A friend has an obligation to support me if I want to talk, and they listen as much out of kindness as interest. But I'm the one with an obligation to a reader; the obligation to communicate something interesting, useful, or enlightening. Sometimes introspection is all of that, but sometimes -- not on your LJ or any of my friends' LJs, but sometimes -- it serves only to show off someone's victimhood. If it's interesting, it's only in a trainwreck-drama kind of way. I don't want to be interesting like that, and I don't want to court that kind of readership.

So: People who read my LJ are just that, readers (hopefully creative, intellectual, passionate ones like you); just like you mentioned, when I want support, I call a friend. And I'm lucky to have a few readers who are ALSO my real-life, call-em-if-you-need-em friends (like you)!

P.S. and speaking of that: How were the fancy frozen dinners, anyway?

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

Here's the difference I think about: A friend has an obligation to support me if I want to talk, and they listen as much out of kindness as interest. But I'm the one with an obligation to a reader; the obligation to communicate something interesting, useful, or enlightening.

Yes! I think that way too. So, is a steady diet of light or funny fulfilling my obligation? Only if that is what my audience has come here for, right? But *some* of my audience are close friends, and they might be getting a little tired of the bland diet. Some days I think I'm writing only for my mother. She's trained me to only tell her the funny or the charming things. She tunes out the darker stuff until it gets really bad, and then all of a sudden, she's totally there again, and being my rock.

If it's interesting, it's only in a trainwreck-drama kind of way. I don't want to be interesting like that, and I don't want to court that kind of readership.

Exactly! Well said.

P.S. and speaking of that: How were the fancy frozen dinners, anyway?

Oooh, they were/are yummy. Mavis has tried the lobster bisque and the stir-fried beef so far. She loved the bisque. Rupert went for the blackened chicken, and liked it quite well, but didn't care for the champagne sauce on the linguini. I had the salmon and shrimp with the ravioli in lobster sauce, and it was lick-your-plate tasty. So far we haven't had any repeats yet. Mavis made the stir-fry first, and she was a bit confused - I had to "remind" her beforehand that you drop the pouches into the boiling water, you don't open them and dump them in. LOL Thanks again for thinking of this - we're having fun with it.