GAH, Feminism, How Many Waves Will it Take?

[fullygoldy]

This week has been exceedingly hard for me emotionally. I'm going to cut-tag for length, but I'm not going to apologize for content.  

It started with the sexual assault allegations in the military. Again. I've already processed that too many of our women who choose to serve are assaulted by their "brothers" as a matter of course in their careers.  It pains me - almost every man in my family has been a member of the armed forces. The only branch not represented is the Air Force (we even included the Coast Guard).  But these statistics would suggest that someone in my family, somewhere, some time, particpated in or turned their face away from sexual assault.  I just. I have no words for the feeling that comes from that realization.

When I was 17, I was invited to visit the Naval Academy in Annapolis.  The recruiters were hoping to get more women, since the academy had gone co-ed.  My freshman year there would have coincided with the graduation of the first ever women to attend.  It was a big deal.  I was seriously considering it.  But I wanted to be an architect (I thought), and I wasn't sure naval architecture would, pardon the pun, float my boat enough to make everything else attending entailed worth the effort.  I was not at all concerned with the physical regimen (even though I hate running with a passion), or the intellectual challenges.  In fact, it was those challenges that tempted me most, and made me think I could grin and bear the physical well enough to succeed.  In making my choices, I never once thought about my physical safety, or the likelihood of sexual assault. 

I never thought about those until THIS WEEK.

I remember bitter and loud arguments with DH, early in our marriage, where he was afraid for my physical safety, and I was insulted.  "I'm a grown woman. I can take care of myself. I know how to stay safe. You aren't the boss of me. I can navigate this world without your constant vigiliance."  OH MY GOD.  I was so fucking naive.  I was 115 lbs at 17.  If I had gone to the Academy, I probably would have gained ~20 lbs of muscle.  That means 135 lbs of well-trained young woman against similarly well-trained 150-200 lb young men.  When any one of them decided they were going to "teach me a lesson" or "get what was their due" I would have been toast.  They may have ended up thinking messing with me was more trouble than it was worth, but they still would have HAD THEIR WAY.  Joss Whedon notwithstanding, waif-fu isn't actually a thing.  Until this week, I never fully realized the danger I have mostly avoided my entire adult life. I have ice in my veins contemplating how different my life would be, had I decided to go for Annapolis.

I spent many years thinking of my own rape experience as something less than "real" rape.  I didn't say no, but I was also in no condition to give consent.  I was passed out in my own bed, in my own dorm.  When I fuzzily realized there was someone in bed with me, I was more interested in getting him to lie down and go to sleep (and let me get back to sleep) than in getting him the fuck OUT. I was not anywhere connected to the reality of being naked in bed with a stranger.  I wasn't physically hurt. I won't go into the emotional crap that I carried around for years, but I understood that the whole thing was my fault, because that's what HE told me.  It was my fault, for being passed out naked, alone in my own bed.  Just. Think on that.  It was MY fault. And I accepted his judgement - on the basis that he was in control of the situation, so he must be the expert.

Those arguments with DH were totally out of touch with reality.  I'd already been unsafe, had the scars to prove it, but was completely unwilling to admit that it could ever happen again.  Maybe he was a bit too protective or worried, but I was also not worried enough. We were miles apart in our world-views.  I am newly, overwhelmingly grateful that my blind optimism was rewarded with only kind strangers whenever I had to rely on them.

I have a girl and a boy for offspring.  I knowingly chose to attempt to bring them up sex-positively.  They grew up in a polyamorous community, where all relationship styles were modeled and accepted.  They had adult friends of every letter of the LBGTQ rainbow.  I wanted my daughter to feel safe and empowered and my son to be an ally.  I think, maybe, I got those things.  But I also think that I did them a disservice.  I showed them a beautiful world that I want to exist, promised them they could have the world they imagined and worked toward, but I didn't actually address or own up to the world that IS.  I failed them, because I failed to admit to it myself.  This world sucks.  Women are not safe.  Those of us who think we are, we're whistling in the dark. 

Other things I've encountered this week:  A key is something a man uses to open a lock, but it's a weapon a woman relies on to help her whistle while walking to her car in the dark. Out of 7 billion people on the planet, more than 1 billion women will be raped or beaten in their lifetimes.  The other day, another friend of mine told me she was raped, and I can no longer count on both my hands the number of friends who have told me they’ve been sexually assaulted.  (http://sorayachemaly.tumblr.com/post/50361809881/why-society-still-needs-feminism-because-to-men)
Elizabeth Smart feels like used chewing gum because her religion told her that's all she could be if she had sex before marriage. (http://www.patheos.com/blogs/barefootandpregnant/2013/05/sloppy-seconds-sex-ed.html)  It doesn't matter that she didn't consent to the sex.  It "happened." Again it's the victim's burden.  The perpetrator is a bad man because he kidnapped her, but our culture is conveniently silent on HIS chewing gum status. 

I've been blind and stupid on these topics and I'm not entirely sure if it was in self-defense or by choice.  I'm feeling pretty paralyzed right now, but I'm not going to stop whistling.  Seriously, the more of us who insist on being able to do the things that men do and go the places men go without being accosted for it, well, the sooner it will be true.  But I think it's time to own up to the fact that in doing so, we're putting our bodies, ourselves, our lives, our sanity on the line, each and every time.  We need to OWN our courage.  I think that pretending it doesn't take courage to make these choices is part of why it's taking so long to change our culture.  We CAN do it.  But we have to CHOOSE it.

 *discussion of rape, sex, double standards and the standard things that might make you scream if you're female, an ally or you know, human.

Comments

[dragonfly]

If it's any help, I had a career in the Air Force and was never sexually assaulted. (God help us though that I have to say that like it's a thing.) I never felt unsafe sexually, and knew many good decent servicemembers who, if anything, had an annoyingly protective vibe, like DH's.

[fullygoldy]

Thanks for this. I'm glad for you. The last statistic I'd heard (a couple years ago?) though was 1 in 3. Still a minority, but in no way an acceptable number. In the real world it was 1 in 6.

I've almost never *felt* unsafe, sexually or physically, but that's the point of the post. That I now realize I should have been more aware of the dangers. Luck had to have had a major part in my safety, because I don't think pure attitude, personality, and obliviousness are enough to explain getting through my life relatively unscathed. I've got a friend who was a pipe fitter early in her career. She was raped on the job. Her father (also a pipe fitter) didn't believe her, because his union "brothers" would never do such a thing*. It's so sad that the nearly automatic response to a woman demonstrating skill in a "man's" field is assault.

*many many years later he apologized to her for his stance. Apparently he'd finally heard enough verified reports rape in the workplace, that he realized it was possible she'd told him the truth. GAH.

[bibliofile]

I know, right?

Part of me is happy that these issues are getting some proper attention in the world outside the military, in part so that the problem can be addressed. OTOH, argh! Also, I wish they'd talk more about how many men are assualted, too; it's like they don't even want to go there. So wrong for so many reasons! It's not bad just when it happens to women! Gah, I say. GAH!

So glad you've been able to raise your kids the way you have. Beats the pants off of some of the options that our parents had, yes?

"Joss Whedon notwithstanding, waif-fu isn't actually a thing." Ha! May I quote you on this? Not that waifs can't always kick ass and take names, what you say is true.

[fullygoldy]

GAH. Plus I suspect the men are encouraged to assault each other to prove their manliness on both sides of the encounter. Just, GAH.

Feel free to quote/paraphrase all you want - I heard/read something similar awhile back and it stuck with me. I think it was a comment on a fanfic. I love River Tam, but the laws of physics can't be denied, right?