Life isn't Fair

[fullygoldy]

This is for all my friends going through drama this month, this year, this whatever.

If life was fair, then you'd have to believe that you actually deserve the bad things that do happen to you. I don't know that having more obvious rewards in my life would balance out the bad things that I'd deserve.

I know you're having hard times, and feeling like no one understands where you are, or that no one is giving you the support you think you want or need. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but most of you have been in a similar place at least once before in your lives, and you know that life is cyclical in nature. You know that you'll survive this latest drama (whatever it may be), even though you'd rather not have to do the work it's going to take to get through it. I'd like to think that I'm a supportive and caring friend and that you can rely on me for some important things.

Today, that important thing you need is a slap upside the head. I'm conveying it thusly, because I was the recipient of this reality check myself this week. No matter how bad things are right in this moment, they can always be worse. I'm not talking about "dying in Afghanistan" worse, I'm talking about right here in your neighborhood or city worse.

You could be a woman who spent a year trying to conceive a child, who finally succeeded at christmas time, with the help of a fertility specialist, and be totally delighted. You could have found out that not one, but three embryos "took" and you would soon be the parent of three, and be totally shocked. In the intervening months, you could have come to realize that your husband didn't actually want any babies (and maybe doesn't want to be married either), and be contemplating single motherhood with triplets, and be completely surprised and frantic. And this week, at only 21 weeks along, you could have gone into labor, delivered all three, and held them while they passed away within hours of their birth, convinced that they were your last chance at fulfilling a life-long dream.

RIP Antonia, Lucille and George.

We all have our crosses to bear, and I've found that this is true: many hands do lighten the load. Let's all make sure we're reaching out to each other, no matter what our own loads weigh. It's the only way we're going to survive this so-called life.

Comments

[roguebitch.livejournal.com]

That is a tragedy, and I feel for your friend. I've had enough tragedy and joy in my life to have perspective, but it doesn't dim the hurt one feels when one is going through it. And what do you do when you're offering a helping hand and it gets slapped?

[medeine.livejournal.com]

No - it doesn't dim the hurt. But it helps you put it in perspective and realize that you are not alone in suffering and "this too shall pass".

One of my biggest struggles in life has been accepting that nothing is permanent. Most of the time I lament the fact that something that makes me happy disappears, or get pissed that I can't stay happy all the time.

It takes constant reality checks for me to remember that the *bad* stuff doesn't REALLY last, either. And if it does, it's often because I'm helping it to linger. I still have a few issues that I can't let go of years after the fact, and they still cause me pain.

There are some things you can't control. But you can labor to control your reactions (I don't mean "triumphing" over your emotions - I mean acknowledging them, kissing 'em on the forehead, and moving on) and resolve to better handle (or even prevent!) a situation the next time.

And as far as the helping hand getting slapped? Maybe the person isn't ready or willing to "do the work" fullygoldy mentioned. Or maybe what you think is help isn't what they really need.

We can support the heck out of each other, and I try to do that, and want it from my friends, but I realize in the end, it's my deal. *I* decide what my life is going to be.

Hell - I should take my own advice more often....
:D

and love and soul-felt hugs for everyone who is hurting, regardless of the cause.

[roguebitch.livejournal.com]

Well, if there are 2 lessons the Universe has taught me, they are:

Nothing is permanent.

Nothing is under my control.

I've learnt those lessons well and they're pretty much inscribed on my soul.

What hurts to extend a hand, not even to help, but just to say "I'm here," and for someone to basically say "Fuck you." And I can try to let it go, and try to tell myself it's the person's deal, but it's still painful.

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

I think you and I are doing a lot of the same work lately :) It's a version of non-attachment for me.

The funny thing is, I think I'm pretty attached to annoyance and snark. The big stuff, I do much better with accepting and letting flow, but the little stuff? Don't get between me and my snark. How dumb is that?

[medeine.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's 'funny' or 'dumb' at all, actually...

:D

Maybe it's due to the job I have, but I get so damn frustrated with the little stuff because I see it as something we can *control*. The big stuff is SO overwhelming, and chaotic, and uncontollable - why in the HELL would folks choose to make things worse by being selfish, or abusive, or whatever?!

"Be part of the solution, not the problem, dammit!!!"

[fullygoldy.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm kind of dumb in that regard, but usually, I reach out again (differently) or I decide to reach out to someone else instead. It depends on the circumstances - I know some people look like they know what they're doing all the time, but I'm usually just muddling through as best as I can.

[leathermines.livejournal.com]

Ouch.

At least I had family to support me and friends to support them.

I wish the three well, and the mother better.

[shoshannagold.livejournal.com]

Oh, Goldy. I have no words for terrible that is. I'm sending as many good vibes into the universe as I can. And yet, I'm glad you posted about this, because it's a wonderfulterrible reminder of how important it is to be a loving as possible to the people in our lives.

[bzdchris.livejournal.com]

My heart truly goes out to your friend, fullygoldy, because now she is a member of a very special club. The Club's members are parents who have lost children. All of us are bound together by that loss, which is so life-altering that everything in one's life becomes divided into Before and After. We all have different ways of dealing with it, but I think the effect is the same: no matter what happens in one's life After, no matter how one deals with it, no matter how life goes on or how many other children come into it, we can never forget the day, the moment, and the feelings associated with that loss. Even after eight years, I struggle.

Please tell your friend that there is someone out here who doesn't know her but knows all too well the loss she has experienced, and that that person has been praying and thinking about her with love and hope.