fullygoldy: Bush Abusing "Freedom" (Freedom Inigo)
fullygoldy ([personal profile] fullygoldy) wrote2007-11-30 09:26 am
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What a Wife Needs

 Yesterday, I had to go through the ghost of a former colleague's hard drive, looking for backup on the project I inherited from him.  I was amazed to find that even though he was leaving the company voluntarily, he didn't at least wipe his "My Docs" folder of all his personal files.  And boy-howdy were there a lot of personal files.  Probably 85% of what was in the root My Docs folder was personal.  
Now I have personal files on my work computer too, but they are all in a folder on my desktop that I frequently backup to my personal flash drive (I also have a work flash drive).  Because when you are being fired or laid off, people come stand around your desk and make sure you don't take anything that isn't yours.  And I don't want to leave anything embarassing behind (like slashy icons I've made).  
Apparently TB didn't feel that his and his wife's and some other relative's resumes were embarassing (but he should have, because they looked like they'd been written by 8th graders), and maybe he's just so proud of his kids that he doesn't mind strangers looking at the umpteen pics of them, plus their various basketball schedules.  But I don't think I'd ever want anyone to find this document on my work computer:  Her & His Needs.doc.  It was accompanied by a very scholarly, 18-page pdf:  To Know You is to Love You:  The Implications of Global Adoration and Specific Accuracy for Marital Relationships by Lisa A Neff (U of Toledo) and Benjamin R Karney (U of FL).  I've only read the first page of that one so far, and l say, it's not really news that if you don't have an accurate idea of who the person you're married to is, eventually you'll become disillusioned, and will most likely then become divorced.  My conclusion is that TB was in marriage counseling (not bad or embarassing, but private, you know?), or was dabbling in self-help.  The problem, the embarassing part, is the Her & His Needs essay.  I have nowhere near the words I need to describe my reaction to this, but here I go:

Her Needs
Often the failure of men and women to meet each other's needs is due to a lack of knowledge rather than a selfish unwillingness to be considerate.   Okay so far.
First, let's look at the five needs of a wife. Is a wife all that different from a woman?  Did I lose my woman-status when I got married, lo these many years ago?  The first need is for affection. To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages: (1) I'll take care of you and protect you; this is where I started rolling my eyes.  (2) I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you; (3) I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you.  This is my first need?  REally?  And it really symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval?  Is this the new math we're always hearing about?  For me, I think affection = I like you, I care about you, I'm delighted to know you/be with you.
Men need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. Don't we all need these affirmations?  Women need them or care about them more than men?  Says who?  For the typical wife, define typical!!  admit it, you mean the perfect "stepford wife!" there can hardly be enough of them. A hug can communicate all of the affirmations of the previous paragraph. But, affection can be shown in many ways such as: kisses, cards, flowers, dinners out, opening the car door, holding hands, walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls--there are a thousand ways to say "I love you." From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man.  Hello, if you're not feeling affection for or from your partner, then what's the point?  Also, I wonder what cements a woman's relationship with a woman?
The second need is conversation. LOL!  Seriously, can we get any more stereotypical?  Or should I say heteronormative?  Sheesh.  I don't want to add spoilers, but already I'm seeing some vital things missing from this list.  Wives need their husbands to talk to them and to listen to them; they need lots of two-way conversation. In their dating life prior to marriage, most couples spent time time showing each other affection and talking. This shouldn't be dropped after the wedding. When two people get married, each partner has a right to expect the same loving care and attention that prevailed during courtship to continue after the wedding. The man who takes time to talk to a woman will have an inside track to her heart.  If she's his wife, doesn't he already own that position?  I don't disagree with the communication=good relationship message.  It's just expressed in such a patronizing tone.
The third need is honesty and openness. A wife needs to trust her husband totally. A sense of security is the common thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs. Has this person even heard of Maslow?  Security is a primary need of every person alive.  If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security. To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. If she can't trust the signals he sends, she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting to him, Wait. What?  don't they both need to adjust to the relationship?  she always feels off balance; instead of growing toward him, she grows away from him.
Financial commitment is a fourth need a wife experiences. She needs enough money to live comfortably: she needs financial support. No matter how successful a career a woman might have, she usually wants her husband to earn enough money to allow her to feel supported and to feel cared for.  Sheeyah.  Right.  Because all that affection from need number one can never equal a cushy bank balance.
The fifth need is family commitment. A wife needs her husband to be a good father and have a family commitment. The vast majority !!! of women who get married have a powerful instinct to create a home and have children. ***Above all,*** wives want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to commit themselves to the moral and educational development of their children.  Even though nobody's taking credit for this gem of marital advice, I've got my own ideas about who or at least the type of person who wrote it.  And that person doesn't get that family commitment doesn't have to be about the kids.  Family commitment is the natural result of relationship commitment.  And if family commitment is really the cornerstone of marriage, then all the relationship advice being delivered is just a smoke screen to make the wives think they are being considered, when really they're just supposed to make babies, and the husbands just have to do all this stuff to be able to get what they really want.  (See Below)  Also, MORAL LEADERSHIP! Just, WOW.  If this is the case, then why are all the popular portrayals of families showing the wives as the moral compass?  It's always the mom that wants the family to go to church, or chides the dad into having the serious talks with the kids.  It's the moms/wives who insist on the high road when the dads/husbands want to run amok. (Simpsons? That 70's Show? King of Queens? How I Met Your Mother?)
Can I just ask here - what about respect?  See, in my eyes, this entire list, and the tone of it's delivery is so patronizing that it's disrespectful.  I need my partner to be my partner.  We're in this thing together and for the long haul, right?  We need to commit to the long haul - the relationship.  So we need to respect each other as bringing equal value to the relationship.    We may have different strengths, but we have equal value.  I agree that affection and communication are high on the priority list.  I think trust/honesty are the result of communication, they're not separate things.  I'm just so so offended by the whole tone of this thing.
 
His Needs
Now, let's look at the five needs husbands have. The first is sexual fulfillment. Of course it is!! At least this bozo is reinforcing ALL the crappy stereotypes.  Sheesh.  The typical wife doesn't understand because women in no way require any sexual fulfillment of their own.  They're only doing it for the kids and their husbands, because God said this was the only way to get kids and husbands  her husband's deep need for sex anymore than the typical husband understands his wife's deep need for affection. But these two ingredients can work very closely together in a happy, fulfilled marriage. Sex can come naturally and often, if there is enough affection. Well, DUH.  I'm not usually wanting too have sex with someone I don't feel affection for.
The second need for a man is recreational companionship. He needs her to be his playmate. I'm sure this word choice is totally unironic, but COME ON! PLAYMATE!!  Your prejudices are showing.  It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching sports and movies they would never have chosen on their own.  So my DH's cooking gourmet food and drinking/brewing excellent beer on a regular basis has nothing to do with MY influence.
After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. But this option is very dangerous to a marriage, because men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. Among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband.  I'm thinking they're only ordered this way because placing any of the remaining needs in this list any higher would just be broadcasting that this is really all about the author thinking the stepford lifestyle is the be all and end all for our modern society.
A husband's third need is an attractive spouse. A man needs a wife who looks good to him. At least it is qualified as "to him."  Although, I wouldn't have been surprised at "for him" or just plain "looks good."  Dr. Harley Who the hell is this?  states that in sexual relationships most men ***find it nearly impossible to appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone--there must be more.***  OMG.  It's true!  All us womens should go right now and subscribe to Cosmo, or we're gonna lose our mens!   A man's need for physical attractiveness in a mate is profound.
The fourth need for a man is domestic support. aka stepford wife  He needs peace and quiet. So deep is a husband's need for domestic support from his wife that he often fantasizes about how she will greet him lovingly and pleasantly at the door, about well-behaved children who likewise act glad to see him and welcome him to the comfort of a well-maintained home.  Wait, I know!  This was actually written in the 40s or 50s, right?
The fantasy got that right, at least continues as his wife urges him to sit down and relax before taking part in a tasty dinner. Later the family goes out for an evening stroll, and he returns to put the children to bed with no hassle or fuss.  Hold it, I'm pretty sure that's the wife's fantasy. Then he and his wife relax, talk together, and perhaps watch a little television until they ***retire at a reasonable hour to love each other.***  I need to add this euphimism to my vocabulary.  Oh come on, we all know he actually meant, hit the play room where she will sexually fulfill his every desire...   Wives may chuckle at this scenario, but this vision is quite common in the fantasy lives of many men. The male need for his wife to "take care of things"--especially him--is widespread, persistent, and deep.  How does this mesh with the above needs of the wife?  Her need to be protected and cared for?  Are we getting a little lost?
The fifth need is admiration. He needs her to be proud of him. Wives need to learn how to express the admiration they already feel for their husbands instead of pressuring them to greater achievements. Honest admiration is a great motivator for men. But it does nothing for a typical woman.  When a woman tells a man she thinks he's wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more. He sees himself capable of handling new responsibilities and perfecting skills far above those of his present level.  See, this is the important part - women have no need to perfect any skills or try anything new - that's the man's whole reason for being.  Women just need to realize that and then everything will be wonderful forevermore.
The thing is, MY husband needs affection, and respect, and honest communication and trust, and sex and admiration and financial security and commitment and companionship.  And it's not just because he's technically half-woman now. ::snicker::  It's because he's a real live human being!!  And you know what? I need all those things too!  We may need them to varying degrees, but neither one of us doesn't need any or all of this stuff to continue to make our relationship successful. 

I'm just - flabbergasted?  I don't know.  I'm also really embarassed for TB, you know.  And appalled.  I hope he didn't take all this literally.  But I'm afraid he did.

[identity profile] barley52.livejournal.com 2007-11-30 05:24 pm (UTC)(link)
I think your observation that this must have come from the 50's is accurate. This is what the nuculer (sp) family was all about in the days of the Clevers ! This was a really sad essay, but understand that many men still believe that this is truly the way a "relationship" is supposed to work, it is something that was ingraned in the upbringing of boys to men.
Sad but true and still in effect.

indeed

[identity profile] emorog.livejournal.com 2007-11-30 07:28 pm (UTC)(link)
sadly, it was probably written more recently than the 50s. or maybe it was written as a joke, and left there deliberately for you to find and be appalled! yah, that's it.

[identity profile] half-double.livejournal.com 2007-11-30 08:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Wow. There are so many things wrong with that that I don't even know where to start, and I'm never even going to have a husband! At the core, what offends me most is the assumption that every woman and every man can be this neatly pigeonholed and dissected. The fact that the needs they list are so asinine and inane they make my teeth hurt is almost more annoying than aggravating.

And, alas, I agree with [livejournal.com profile] emorog. This is probably quite recent. Looks like something Dobson or one of his ilk would've been proud to have penned.
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[identity profile] fullygoldy.livejournal.com 2007-11-30 09:22 pm (UTC)(link)
yep, Dobson pretty much sprang to mind as I was reading this. after 15 yrs in SC, where this kind of mindset was not only prevalent but pervasive, I have no real illusions that this is a document relic from a quainter time. That's the scariest part of all.

[identity profile] bzdchris.livejournal.com 2007-11-30 09:00 pm (UTC)(link)
It's unfortunate that this writer didn't see these traits as human and not so broken down between the genders. Too much generalizing and not enough reality. Financial security? Try that, you 40+ million people without health insurance? Dinner on the table and well-behaved kids? Sure, if most families didn't need 2+ incomes to run a household, and kids weren't returning to an empty house after school. And women don't need to be admired by their men? Hmmm... I guess all of my "male" needs really do stem from deep-seated psychological problems and not just being human.

If you're thinking that this was written a long time ago, check out the Christian marriage websites. Sounds kinda nice on paper, I suppose, but in practice, fuggedaboutit!

TB most definitely should have removed this stuff from his documents. Perhaps he just wasn't getting enough sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, domestic support or admiration. Or maybe his wife's just butt-ugly. Who knows? Obviously, he has issues.

[identity profile] sasha-feather.livejournal.com 2007-12-01 12:31 am (UTC)(link)
In a perverse way, I enjoyed reading this. It kind of helps me understand what all the weirdos out there are thinking.

My brother got married to a very nice woman whose father is a pastor. At the wedding, this pastor compared his own daughter to a coal car. It went something like this...

"Since Rusty likes trains, I'm going to use this ridiculous train metaphor. In a marriage, the husband is the engine. The wife is the coal car, who provides energy and support for the husband. And Jesus is the tracks!"

It's now a legendary joke among certain members of my family. Jeez, I can hardly believe people really buy into this stuff sometimes. But it is reinforced by religion.


(Anonymous) 2007-12-01 10:54 pm (UTC)(link)
oh

my

god

or should I say God?

ppppffffffttttttt

Rage

[identity profile] choisyleroi.livejournal.com 2007-12-05 06:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Nice summary of "where-to-start" obnoxious stereotypes. There's so much ranting left to do on this - I can appreciate that it's tiring. I'll chip in and help! Don't mention it.


"After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking." But no dice. Any preferences she has, as a wife, are supposed to be geared towards her beloved "engine" - and anyway, activities aren't feminine.


"He needs her to be proud of him." No matter what he says or does or doesn't. Witholding praises is as severe a wifely sin as witholding sex. Whether she's pleased or turned on have nothing to do with it. What'd he get married for, anyway? If he was planning to spend the rest of his days trying to impress some skirt, he'd have stayed single.

I wonder if his wife would find that that essay proved her point?