The Kindness of Strangers

Sheesh, what a trying day. 

I'm good at denial.  So good, that I don't even realize I'm doing it.  So, I thought I'd take barley52  to the hospital, see him settled in, and go off to work for a few hours until he was done with his transfusion (2 units), then go pick him up and take him home. 

We got there at 9:00 am on the dot, went through admissions, up to his room, watched him get stuck for "type and cross" and then, at just about 10, thought I'd follow through on the plan.  Only, when I went to kiss his forehead, I started to tear up.  So, deep breath, walk over to the window, more deep breaths, close my eyes, turn around and smile, I can do this, and then, nope, tears running down my face, no way to hide them, so brazen it out, hug him good-bye and out the door.  At this point, I'm thinking that I'll be able to pull myself together before I hit the lobby. shit. ::shaking head::  I hit the elevator and a janitor comes up with his honkin' cart of trash, and chirps, "How are you today?"  I blurt out, "I've been better."  The poor guy, he didn't deserve it, never saw it coming, but all of a sudden, he realizes cheerful is the last thing I wanted to encounter.  "I'm so sorry" he says, "I hope things go better for you."  I get enough of a voice to say, "things can really sneak up on you, ya know?"  He says "yeah, they can."  We get to my floor and as I'm escaping, he says, "I really hope things get better.  I'll pray for you."  "Thank you." What else could I say?  I barely made it into the stall in the woman's restroom before having a little meltdown.  Calmed down enough to walk to the car, but my eyes were red, red, red.

In the car, I decide to call my mommy.  "I don't want to do this!" I wailed.  "I know.  I know you don't.  I know it's hard."  And I know she knows.  She had to endure a child going through multiple life-threatening problems.  This is the reason I called her.  She KNOWS.  And she tells me to ALWAYS accept the kindness of strangers.  Sometimes you need it, and sometimes they need to give it.  But whatever it is, you always accept it.  An hour later, I'm together enough to go inside the office and do... something.  That lasts about an hour.  Call DH, he's had an unsatisfactory lunch and the transfusion has just then started.  So I promise to bring him something yummy and pack it in. (My first trip to Fraboni's turned out to be more than satisfactory in my opinion.  I don't know if those folks are used to seeing shell-shocked folks from their nearest neighbors or what, but the 2 boys behind the counter totally waited on my every whim aka "no fresh veggies" and I was smiling by the time I left).

On the way back to the hospital, my work cell rings, and it's the asst. librarian.  She immediately asks me what's wrong.  So I tell her about my meltdown, and my mommy and the janitor.  This kind lady proceeds to empathize with me.  She talks about being kind to yourself, about how our life is completely different now than it was a month ago, and that it will take several months to adjust to the change.  She says she can't imagine being in my shoes and she can't imagine keeping herself as together as she thinks I've been.  Basically, she says it's okay to have meltdowns, and necessary to grieve, because that's the only way to move on, and get on with learning what needs to be learned from this and growing out of it.

You know what?  She's totally right.  This woman has known me for less than 2 months, and we don't even talk every day or tell each other anything terribly personal.  But she told me all the things I needed to hear today.  All the stuff that helped me keep moving forward even though I couldn't keep the tears at bay.  Crying is pretty tiring, and I ended up not doing any work up at the hospital today, but I napped a bit, and I stood guard over DH, and I totally think that was a productive use of my time today.

Tomorrow, I'll take Mavis to practice, go grocery shopping, and maybe I'll take DH on a drive to get him out of the house.  He'll love the view with the fresh new snow on the ground, and maybe I'll get to show off this beautiful library I'm building at the same time.

Aside:  Mavis and I cooked a mexican feast for dinner.  We tried a new recipe from Rachel Rae (Ray?) for tilapia with tomatillo sauce and maque choux (a warm, buttery, corn relish).  We served it with refried beans and chicken/cheese quesadillas.  Served it with chardonnay.  All of it was excellent, and there were no leftovers to speak of.  The recipe is going into the rotation, and Mavis learned a few techniques tonight.  And - Rupert has agreed to be my cooking buddy next friday.  Now we just have to find a recipe.

Wait, did I mention that on the way home from the hospital, it was snowing?  And TWO people tried to take us out?  A stupid FIB and a clueless FL-idian.  Thank the gods for Subaruby.  Without her, I'm sure we would have been a sandwich before we got home.  Mavis had much the same experience on her way home too.  We're all super happy to be here, ensconsed in the house, snuggled in for the evening.  The beer, wine and irish cream were just bonuses ::g::