Guh. (another TMI post)

This is the first of my ten "G" words from barley52  I don't seem to be cut out for this meme, because I can't get enough of these together to make a decent post.  But "guh" is exactly how I felt reading these.  Before you click though, this is a series of short stories by rebecca, with McKay/Sheppard (Stargate:Atlantis for the uninitiated) as the pairing.  You'll have to scroll up slightly to get the links to the earlier parts.

What we have here is a slowly building D/s scenario.  It's nothing heavy, although the subject of the latest installment, "The Sum of All Parts," is not really my thing.  But. There is this amazingly detailed psychological aspect that just grabs me.  BDSM has frequently caught my attention, in a "what is that all about?" kind-of-way.  On and off, over the years, I've pondered the nature of the D/s relationship, why it works, why it draws people in, and I've rarely come up with any lasting or satisfactory answers.  I've kind of left it at "it is what it is."  "Truth Table" is a kind of revelation.  Only, it didn't reveal anything I didn't already know, on a gut level, about my own inner workings.  The revelation comes from the fact that someone wrote this in a way that unfolds perfectly and logically.  If you don't get it after reading this, you're not going to get it.  

I've rarely run across a story that fleshes out the psych aspects this clearly.  Every time I do, I have an "aha" moment.  Truly, BDSM has to be all about what's going on inside the brain.  Sure, there are sensory aspects, the sights, the sounds, the physical sensations, and they're attractive in different ways, and fun on their own.  People wouldn't do so much with the trappings if they weren't having fun.  But make no bones about it, you don't need any of that stuff to take the trip into that headspace.  What you do need, is a partner who can take you there.  How special is it to find someone that knows you and your needs well enough to accomplish this?  So, a heartfelt GUH.

Gay Cowboys

Can this be my 2nd "G" word?  DH suggested "Goddamn!"  as in 'that's what I'd be screaming if Ennis had flipped me over and gone at me the way he does."

Finally got to see Brokeback Mountain with DH last night.  He'd wanted to go see it when it was in theatres, but he was neutropenic at the time, so we had to wait.  Towards the end, he was shifting around in his seat, and I thought maybe he was kind of bored, because after all, it is a slow-paced thing.  On top of that, half of the very little dialogue in the thing is too quiet or mumbled to catch on the first hearing.  Ennis barely moves his lips when he speaks!  So I was worried about the boredom, and that he wasn't enjoying it.  But the startled, appreciative noise he made when Ennis made that discovery in Jack's closet was totally gratifying.  Because DH would totally have done that.  He's a romantic to the core.

Then it ended, and that is when the magic of Brokeback showed itself.  We spent the next 30-45 minutes discussing the film, and it's message, and the state of the world and society.  This film makes you think about stuff.  It makes you think about big, meaningful, gnarly stuff.  You practically forget you even saw any gay sex (such that it was).  And while you're thinking about this stuff, you're also compelled to talk about it.  I don't know that I've seen anything else in recent memory that has sparked so many meaningful conversations.

That added scene at the end with Alma Jr, still gets me.  I can be dry-eyed for the entire thing, until Ennis asks, "does he love you?" and then I lose it.  There is a manifesto buried in that question, and I grok it full force in just those 4 words.  I wonder what Annie Proulx thinks of the addition?

I'm a little worried though.  DH and I have a completely different opinion about the state of things today.  He says our society isn't any better off now than it was in 1963, or even 1982.  I say we have improved.  Yes, there are still pockets of hatred and ignorance, but we've been steadily chipping away at them for generations.  Its evolutionary, really.  Not this generation, not the next, but after that?  I think the difference will be noticeable.  I've always felt it is my duty to society to raise my children so that they will be able to raise their children to be better than us.  You have to take the long view.  Yes, I want better things for my kids than what even I had (and I had plenty).  But not all of those things I want for them are things.  I admit it.  I'm idealistic.  I believe we should be shooting for very high goals.  I'm an optimist.  I believe we'll get there eventually.  I'm a pragmatist.  If we're going to get there, we've got to lay the groundwork now.  I may never reap what I've sown.  But someone will.  That's enough for me.

Maybe Jack and Ennis's children will live happier lives than their fathers did.  Ennis' greatest fear was being killed in a hate crime.  Jack didn't have that fear, and last night I think I figured out why.  Jack's mother knew.  She knew and she loved him anyway, and didn't let his father banish him forever.  Ennis never had that stability or protection in his life, but Alma Jr had it in spades.  Maybe Ennis didn't have the ability to imagine a life bigger than the one he lived, but somehow, instinctually, he gave his all girls permission to find a bigger life for themselves.  In his time and place?  That's just HUGE.