Fan Girl Wannabe

Sheesh, what a trying day. 

I'm good at denial.  So good, that I don't even realize I'm doing it.  So, I thought I'd take barley52  to the hospital, see him settled in, and go off to work for a few hours until he was done with his transfusion (2 units), then go pick him up and take him home. 

We got there at 9:00 am on the dot, went through admissions, up to his room, watched him get stuck for "type and cross" and then, at just about 10, thought I'd follow through on the plan.  Only, when I went to kiss his forehead, I started to tear up.  So, deep breath, walk over to the window, more deep breaths, close my eyes, turn around and smile, I can do this, and then, nope, tears running down my face, no way to hide them, so brazen it out, hug him good-bye and out the door.  At this point, I'm thinking that I'll be able to pull myself together before I hit the lobby. shit. ::shaking head::  I hit the elevator and a janitor comes up with his honkin' cart of trash, and chirps, "How are you today?"  I blurt out, "I've been better."  The poor guy, he didn't deserve it, never saw it coming, but all of a sudden, he realizes cheerful is the last thing I wanted to encounter.  "I'm so sorry" he says, "I hope things go better for you."  I get enough of a voice to say, "things can really sneak up on you, ya know?"  He says "yeah, they can."  We get to my floor and as I'm escaping, he says, "I really hope things get better.  I'll pray for you."  "Thank you." What else could I say?  I barely made it into the stall in the woman's restroom before having a little meltdown.  Calmed down enough to walk to the car, but my eyes were red, red, red.

In the car, I decide to call my mommy.  "I don't want to do this!" I wailed.  "I know.  I know you don't.  I know it's hard."  And I know she knows.  She had to endure a child going through multiple life-threatening problems.  This is the reason I called her.  She KNOWS.  And she tells me to ALWAYS accept the kindness of strangers.  Sometimes you need it, and sometimes they need to give it.  But whatever it is, you always accept it.  An hour later, I'm together enough to go inside the office and do... something.  That lasts about an hour.  Call DH, he's had an unsatisfactory lunch and the transfusion has just then started.  So I promise to bring him something yummy and pack it in. (My first trip to Fraboni's turned out to be more than satisfactory in my opinion.  I don't know if those folks are used to seeing shell-shocked folks from their nearest neighbors or what, but the 2 boys behind the counter totally waited on my every whim aka "no fresh veggies" and I was smiling by the time I left).

On the way back to the hospital, my work cell rings, and it's the asst. librarian.  She immediately asks me what's wrong.  So I tell her about my meltdown, and my mommy and the janitor.  This kind lady proceeds to empathize with me.  She talks about being kind to yourself, about how our life is completely different now than it was a month ago, and that it will take several months to adjust to the change.  She says she can't imagine being in my shoes and she can't imagine keeping herself as together as she thinks I've been.  Basically, she says it's okay to have meltdowns, and necessary to grieve, because that's the only way to move on, and get on with learning what needs to be learned from this and growing out of it.

You know what?  She's totally right.  This woman has known me for less than 2 months, and we don't even talk every day or tell each other anything terribly personal.  But she told me all the things I needed to hear today.  All the stuff that helped me keep moving forward even though I couldn't keep the tears at bay.  Crying is pretty tiring, and I ended up not doing any work up at the hospital today, but I napped a bit, and I stood guard over DH, and I totally think that was a productive use of my time today.

Tomorrow, I'll take Mavis to practice, go grocery shopping, and maybe I'll take DH on a drive to get him out of the house.  He'll love the view with the fresh new snow on the ground, and maybe I'll get to show off this beautiful library I'm building at the same time.

Aside:  Mavis and I cooked a mexican feast for dinner.  We tried a new recipe from Rachel Rae (Ray?) for tilapia with tomatillo sauce and maque choux (a warm, buttery, corn relish).  We served it with refried beans and chicken/cheese quesadillas.  Served it with chardonnay.  All of it was excellent, and there were no leftovers to speak of.  The recipe is going into the rotation, and Mavis learned a few techniques tonight.  And - Rupert has agreed to be my cooking buddy next friday.  Now we just have to find a recipe.

Wait, did I mention that on the way home from the hospital, it was snowing?  And TWO people tried to take us out?  A stupid FIB and a clueless FL-idian.  Thank the gods for Subaruby.  Without her, I'm sure we would have been a sandwich before we got home.  Mavis had much the same experience on her way home too.  We're all super happy to be here, ensconsed in the house, snuggled in for the evening.  The beer, wine and irish cream were just bonuses ::g::

I've been trying to do something physical at least every other day. This currently translates to "walk the dog." We get in 1.5 to 2.5 miles each time out. I've managed 5 times this week, which is better than expected.
I imagine that when the weather gets yucky, I might be motivated to go back to yoga regularly. I love yoga, but I haven't been in the right frame of mind for it. I like it early in the morning, while the house is quiet. But to get that, I have to be doing it at 5 am or 530 at the latest. I'm not so crazy about this time slot. Yes, yes, I could do it after everyone leaves the house, but then it wouldn't be early and meditative. It would seem more like exercise than balance-seeking. Does this seem dumb? It seems dumb to me, but I can't seem to break the mindset.
I also fantasize that I'll be motivated to walk/run the stairs in the house a few times a week. This is plausible because we have 3 sets of stairs in the house, so it would be a decent circuit, if somewhat boring.
As for calorie control, I've come to the conclusion that the only place I can really ditch calories is in the alcohol department. I'm really quite the lush. I like a beer in the afternoon. Or at least while I'm cooking dinner. Unless I'm cooking with wine, which means I'll want a glass of that. If I'm making something that's going to be accompanied by vodka, I want wine while I'm cooking that too. If I have a martini with dinner, I'm going to want at least one more after dinner. If there's a liqueur in the house, I'll want it for dessert. I don't usually eat dessert, but I can almost always be convinced (like it takes any effort) to have a nightcap/dessert drink. After two martinis, I tend to lose judgement about how many more I should have. So really, one drink per day should be my limit. And if I manage to do that think of how many calories I won't be consuming! Because really, if I drink something besides alcohol, its water. Maybe herbal tea. I might have some juice on Sunday morning, or a glass of silk or milk instead of a snack, but that's pretty much it. No sodas, no coffee. Oh. Eggnog in the winter, but that usually replaces a snack or dessert or alcoholic drink. Sheesh, I forgot eggnog season was upon us. When we go out to eat, we 99.9% of the time go where there is a good bar of some kind. No Perkins for us, LOL.
Most of our friends know we eat pretty healthy stuff. I don't snack much, we don't keep a lot of traditional snack food in the house. Tortilla chips, cause we're all addicted to salsa. Popcorn. Some crackers. We all eat way too much cheese, but we also eat more veggies than most people, and lots of fruit. Whole grains, not a lot of meat, and we try to go with fresh and home-made as much as possible. We don't do a lot of cream sauces, but we're hitting the season for scalloped potatoes & pork chops. That dish is a serious downfall. We're pretty low fat all the time except for cheese and winter dishes that require milk and cheese. So it's the alcohol I have to cut back on. Oy.
I have successfully navigated the first Epic "hurdle." This is the first time they've asked me for more info. It's actually less info than was on the on-line application, but it's a hard-copy form I have to fill out and send in. Maybe they want to analyze my handwriting? Maybe they want to see how quickly I'll respond to the request? Who knows. I think it will be interesting to speak to them about the job even if I don't end up with it.
I'm trying to get the MAPC website posted for review, but I am too much of a dummie I guess. I'm positive that it's something relatively minor, and all it would take is someone who has published a web before to come over and point and say, "hey, you do it this way, ya big dummie." Any takers? Come on... you know you want to abuse me. ::bwg::
Mavis announced yesterday that she passed her test to get her temporary driver's license. EEEEK!
Rupert is 13 on Friday (11/4) and his big brother is 30 the same day. More EEeek!

I'm so fuzzy-headed right now. Last night, we got into the hot tub around 9, and it was sooo lovely. The air was warm and breezy (balmy even) and the water was just the right amount of hot, and we both nodded off. So we decided to come in and go to bed. In bed before 10 and the kids were already tucked in their rooms with the lights out. So peaceful. It was too warm for jammies, so the cool soft sheets were caressing my skin. DH was out like a light.

10:26 phone rings - I awaken and have to pee.

11:06 phone rings - I awaken from strange dream and have to pee.
The girl is in the basement, claiming she was looking for her blanket, with phone in hand. "Who was on the phone?" "It was that guy again. I hung up on him." "Hmmm. Who was it earlier?" "It was him." Great. We haven't heard from 'that guy' in at least a week. He was stalking the girl by phone. At first he was stupid about it and we got his cell phone number on our caller ID. All her guy friends called him up and left threatening messages. Then he blocked his name and number. We don't usually answer any "Private Name, Private Number" calls, but when you're asleep, you forget to check. DH has told him the calls were being traced. We've all hung up on him. Thought he'd finally got over it and quit. No such luck.

11:47 phone rings - I awaken and bellow into the phone "who is this?" "Is Mavis there?" "No one in this house is going to speak to you at this time of night!" CLICK. Dammit. Newfangled cordless phones. Hanging up is not nearly as satisfying when you can't slam the phone into the cradle to cut the connection.
AND. I have to pee. Come back from my 3rd trip to the bathroom, and realize I'm cold enough for jammies now. Fuck. Probably the last night of the year I'll be able to sleep nekkid, and it's ruined. And my peaceful easy feeling is ruined. And my good night's sleep is ruined.

05:03 I awaken because guess what? I have to PEE! That is the last time I drink a quart of water after dinner. Hey, I was thirsty. Mavis gets herself up at 0530 to shower. Rupert doesn't need to get up til 0600 today, so I have about an hour left to sleep. Pull the blanket up and pass out. At 0625, DH comes in to get dressed for work. Which means I have to get up too, get dressed and drive him there. Because I've got to buy groceries today, and the store is near his job, and I'm trying to make all my trips in the car do at least double duty. $3/gallon for gas. Cripes.

Stumbled through a light grocery trip, came home, put up the stuff, ate some breakfast, read some LJ, and this. Now I'm going to shower. Because I want to be presentable when I run downtown for my other errand. I think I'll stop by A Woman's Touch while I'm there as a reward to myself for such a crappy night. I haven't been in so long, that everything will look new and exciting. As opposed to just exciting ::g::

Last night was the first football game of the season.  School hasn't even started yet, and the rain-soaked stands were full of teens and other school-age kids and their parents, all watching the Panthers get off to a great start against the Lancers.  18 of 21 cheerleaders stood on the sidelines and did their best to look spirit-filled while soaking wet.  They bounced, they jumped, they yelled, they dripped.  Mavis once again looked exactly like a cheerleader.  She loves being out there, and she loves "flying" which she got to do with surprising frequency at this game.

Thankfully it was just wet, not cold.  Every time the rain would let up to a heavy mizzle, we'd think it was ending, but then it would go right back to serious raining.  barley52 and I huddled under a tarp and compared notes on how much of our clothing was still dry.  'Very little' was the consensus.  The HS principal came by and personally thanked us for sticking it out after about half the fans disappeared.  The first half saw the Panthers up 28-0.  I felt bad for the dance squad, doing their routine in the middle of the field during halftime.  At least it quit raining for them, but they had to roll around on the big orange "O" and their black uniforms had big orange splotches all over them by the end!  Oh, and we did expect some slipping and falling during the routine, but it was actually performed pretty flawlessly, so 'way to go, Poms!'  In the final quarter, the Lancers scored twice but failed to get any extra points, so the final was 28-12. 

The boy stayed home with a cold, so he didn't get wet with the rest of us.  He allowed that he was much happier to stay dry after all.

Once home, we changed into jammies, watched the Stargates and drowned Gorgonzola-stuffed olives in vodka.  I'm still mad at the cat for coming by my drink, wrapping his tail around the stem, and pulling it off the table.  I was nursing that drink! The olives were gone by then but about 1/4 of the vodka was still in the glass. Stupid Cat.  And SG:A didn't have much in the way of McKay/Sheppard love, just snark, so I guess John's still not over the whole 'blowing up a solar system' thing.

Yesterday was also the day we finally got our Charter bill straightened out.  They were overcharging us on our new services, and we didn't catch it until mid-July.  It took a month, but the result was a $100 credit.  They had originally offered a $10 credit. Ha!

I was setting up my friend list, and I realized that I was friending people who don't know me.  If this is you, then you are most likely a (slash) writer that I have been following for awhile.  I've friended you in the hope that I'll get early updates on the good stuff.  I hope you don't mind, because I'm thinking I'm finally going to be able to send decent feedback, now that I have been assimilated into LJ. Plus, I'll be pimping your stories even harder than I already do.  (I make my DH listen to excerpts all the time!)

I write very sporadically, but I am a voracious reader.  I can't believe how addictive slash is.  I've been reading it for at least 5 years, all thanks to a friend of a friend, who is now a personal friend, albeit one I don't see often enough.  I will also beta occasionally in my favorite fandoms.  I have been known to beg writers to finish WIPs or to produce more stories, but I try to be sweet about it.

I have a DH and 2 kids, the girl (15) and the boy (12).  They've also been known to go by Mavis and Rupert.  It has to do with them having been born in SC.  Every kid in our family has a southern nickname.  The girl is a cheerleader and the boy is in a Led Zep cover band.  We're very into music at our house.

I recently quit my job.  I'm officially freelancing in Construction Management, Water Damage Restoration, Mold Remediation, Technical Training, Event Planning & Coordination, and Catering (with my DH).  DH has been very supportive of this choice, and I'm trying mightily to get some steady work going so we don't drain the savings account.  I've just about finished setting up my office in the basement. It's very brightly multi-colored and should be a fun place to work, even when the girl is playing "Fallout Boy."

Another reason I decided to get on LJ is that I've been seeing a bunch of interesting memes, so you should expect to see me working my way through several of them in the next few weeks.  Other than that, I expect most of what you'll see here is story recs, updates on my progress as an independent contractor, and lots of stuff about food and feasting. Oh yeah, and my weird take on relationships.

Thanks for checking in!